Declaring Joehad

I would love to take credit for creating this new tool in my personal arsenal, but I cannot. HHE Jeff empowered me with this extraordinary idea early this morning. With his invention, he has named that which is the kernal of my pissy power. The very heart of what I was trying to project with my prior clumsy efforts to offer advice is my will to wage a self-righteous war on stupidity in this world.

I accept that there are those smarter than me. However, as a Joehadist of one, I choose to ignore my own shortcomings and now do declare Joehad.

As they say, you go to Joehad with the army that you have.

I expect to modify my strategy and techiques as needed during the course of this noble campaign, but I will never stray from my goal, that of defeating stupidity in every corner of this earth.

Today, I pledge to comment randomly on events near to me, as well as on events occuring far away from me that I have no stake in. I will make outlandish claims that I can achieve goals that are far beyond my reach. With bravery I will continue to give advice when called upon to do so, and when necessary I will offer it without solicitation. Therefore, Ask The Old Dog is once again a feature of my blog.

Bring it on!

More about Ask The Old Dog

Alright, I'm willing to continue giving advice, but maybe I need to fine tune the format.

P. Dawg has a point, that it's just you guys, but I got frightened when a question came through on a comment on my last Ask The Old Dog post (I deleted that post) from a name I did not recognize. It was also very dirty and disturbing. I found out that it was entered by MKS on behalf of John L. She says it's a true story.

I'm not really interested in getting into that kind of advice. There is a threshold that I will not cross. I don't even want to see those types of questions, especially from names I don't recognize. Sometimes bozos browse these blogs and leave bizarre shit. That freaks me out. I should know, I do that sometimes myself.

I really do like giving advice, and it satisfies my need to be a complete jerk without really meaning what I say. That little exercise vents my spirit and is one of the things that prevents me from actually being a people hating jerk.

For now, I'm totally open to any questions (or Spill or Dil, for that matter) from my friends, if they don't mind letting me show my complete ignorance. Like I say, I do enjoy it.

As for G. Bushy, I'd really like to get a question from him. If you're reading this, Mr. President, please, please let me advise you. I have some great ideas for you.

Table 22

Let's take our minds away from Ask The Old Dog for a few moments to honor those who sat at Table 22.

No More Ask The Old Dog

After careful reflection-O.K., there was no careful refelction-I've decided that Ask The Old Dog is too stupid to continue. It also invites too much criticism, and I can't handle that.

I do owe Michael K. an answer to his question. Therefore, my last response is to his question:

Dear Old Dog,

Sometimes when I pee, the stream is split in 2 and I piss all over the place. What are the possible causes and solutions for this?

____________________________________________________________________

Well, Michael, I think that you shouldn't grab your member so tightly while trying to pee. If you can't stop doing that, then don't pee.

And that's that.

Long live G Bushy.

Ask The Old Dog

Buried in Bourbonnais asks:

Dear Old Dog,

My roommates refuse to take out the trash. No matter how much I beg, they always wait until the garbage is overflowing and the kitchen counter is overrun with empty beer bottles before they take it out. What can I do to make them listen to me?

Signed,

Buried in Bourbonnais

___________________________________________________________________

Well, Buried in Bourbonnais, in my experience, it's best to handle problems with roommates decisively, and with an open mind. By that, I mean take action and keep your mind open to being creative about things that you can do to change their behavior.

In your case, I'd start by saying to your roommate, "Dude. It is really uncool that you don't take out the garbage until it's falling on the floor and making this place smell like a bunch of filthy hippies are living here." If that doesn't work, then dump the garbage onto his bed. If he still hasn't changed his ways, then plant some gay porn in his room for his girlfriend to find. If he's gay, then plant a copy of the 2005 ESPN College Football Encylopedia for his boyfriend to find.

Chances are, you are one of those inbred Jerry Srpinger types who pronounces Bourbonnais as, "Bubone-us". If you are, then I won't expect you to be very clever. You should then just confront him when you are drunk and try to sleep with his girlfriend, who happens to be your sister.

Good luck, and rember to keep an open mind.

Ask The Old Dog

edthenotrickpony asks:


I have this friend that never posts on his blog. What should I do Old Dog? You're the only one I trust.

____________________________________________________________________________

Well, edthenotrickpony, I think that you need to first examine why it is that you are bothered by this. Maybe you feel the need to watch as others run around nude with their feelings hanging out in order to feel good about you doing the same. Or, it could be that you need something new everyday to whack off to, and your re-runs of Maude just are doing it for you anymore. It might even be that you desire to interact with your friends through a medium that allows your friendship to continue to grow, and to learn about each other, even though you don't get to hang out together as often as you once did. I suspect that the second possibility is most likely.

Once you have determined why you are bothered by it, you then should choose a course that reflects the underlying cuase of your need for frequent posts. If you can't think of anything better than nagging like a little girl, then try paying your friend in real cash dollars. $100, per post, is an appropriate amount.

Good luck, edthenotrickpony. I hope you can pay your friend enough money to post for a long, long time to come.

Ask The Old Dog

It's here! It's now! It's totally hip!

O.K., it's not hip, or even cool. It is, however, the return of Ask The Old Dog.

I'm open to any question, but I'll choose which ones are worthy of my comment.

You can ask me a question about any problem you are having (those are my favorite), or any topic that you are too stupid to understand on your own. Being wise and all knowing, I have something to say about everything.

Ed Pissy

Geez! Ed is quite the damanding little prick.

O.K., here's your post:

I ate leftover pizza and enchiladas. You happy?

I'm really starting to get a little insecure about all of this criticism of what I eat. You're going to cause me to spiral into an eating disorder. I might develop a body complex and starve myself like one of those stick skinny hollywood starlets. Who, by the way I can't stop reading about. I can't get enough of the latest dish on Nicole, Paris and Lindsay. As far as I can tell, Nicole is the only one of the three with even a little bit of dignity. The other two appear to be, well, hooooooooooooooors. Dumb, shallow, coke fiend hooooooooooooooooooooors. I just think it's great that we get to read and hear about them. It matters so much that I have an opinion about them and their silly doings.

While I'm on the subject of opinions, what's the level of interst out there for another blog dedicated to, "Ask The Old Dog"? It might be a perfect way for me to revisit that idea and come out of my shell a bit.

Big Eatin' Weekend

Friday: Garibaldi's Cheezy Beef and Cheese Fries

Saturday: Pizza

Sunday: Pizza and enchiladas
and ice cream cake


I'm gonna explode.

Appearances

In an effort to not appear as though I've been improperly influenced, I plan to give back the monetary value of all gifts that I've ever received. It'll take a while, but I'll start where I likely might have begun to be susceptible. I have to find the red haired kid in my third grade class. I need to give him 32 cents for the eraser that he gave to me when I forgot mine. Then, there's the other kid who gave me the bag of Fritos - that's 45 cents, in 1975 dollars.


If you're waiting for your rebate, just be patient. I'll eventually get to you.

Dafeated

Though not a true football fan or scholar of the game, I still feel the sting of defeat, the sorrow and the urge to find blame for the horrible loss on Sunday. Ed has a pretty good theory that all bad things are caused by guys named Steve, but I think that it's all the fault of Rex Grossman. Not because he played poorly (I think that he really stepped up), but because he just looks so freakin' wierd in that helmet. That stark, white skin and those too-perfect eyebrows are just wierd to look at. He looks like Billy Corgan in a football uniform. I think that on some level, it was on everyone's mind and was just too distracting. I'm sure that every player on the Bears' defensive line had difficulty keeping the image out of their heads after having to see him maybe only a few minutes before on the sideline.

Chili

The King Of DeKalb threw his annual pagan chili festival last night. It was well attented. Once again, Jake was in the bathroom the whole time Figora played. I really hope that he gets to see them play someday. I think he'd really like them.


I avoided the super hot stuff, and stuck to the chicken, chorizo and chocolate chili. I also had some venison chili that was pretty damn good.


Old homeless Steven was our houseguest. It was nice to see that lug again. We just finished of a giant Lincoln Inn breakfast with him, Jake and Maria. Without getting too mushy, I really want everyone to know how good it made me feel to get to see and hang out with a bunch of nice people last night, too numerous to list.

I'm now going to try to remember everyone that I spoke with last night. [populating list]

The Magic Buffet

Steener and I went to the office holiday party this evening. Yes, it's after the holidays. Just as last year, it was buffet plus - MAGICIAN! Not just any magician, he's a COMEDIC MAGICIAN! That's right, he's FUNNY! And he does MAGIC!

I miss the days when we had the BBQ and hot dog buffet at the Blackhawk and then went bowling in the Huskie Den. Sure, there was no COMEDIC MAGICIAN!, but there was magic on those lanes and on those pool tables. Wait a minute - there was no booze at the Huskie Den.

I'll take the MAGIC!

I Think I Won The Deathmatch

As far as deathmatches go, it wasn't very dangerous - not much chance of death, only humuliation. And, if that is the measure of the Old Dog vs. Dark Squirrel Deathmatch of Jan 07, 2006, then I think I won.

It's not that I was avoiding the Death Match, it's just that The Dark Squirrel was busy playing, and I was busy playing. It finally came, though, when he opened his mouth to trash talk and intimidate me from the stage. It started with some rambling about how the word on the street was that The Old Dog would win, because he's a dog, but that this time a squirrel will beat a dog. He then somehow managed to say that my nuts would end up in his mouth. I didn't really have to do much.

There was a weak attempt at the end of the night to short me $10 on our share of the door, but Steener was paying attention and pointed it out. She then asked, "Was that the Death Match, Alex?" He said, "Yes. Yes, it was. I almost had him."

Brings back memories of the pop fly he hit years ago:

A: "This one's for the ladies!"

S: "You're out, Alex."

Game over.

Family Time

Family is good. Everyone should have one.

Worst Night Of My Life

I don't know if it was a flu or food poisoning (I'm thinking the latter), but after consuming that lovely meal I described in my previous post, I spent the next 6 hours going through hell. I've never had food poisoning, but this matched the description. At about 5am I was considering 911, but then I remembered that "911 is a joke", and decided to just tough it out.

I slept and slept and slept and slept and am doing much better now.

I'm ready to rock out tonight.

Speaking of which, I'd like to give my thanks to Andy S. for getting a reminder out to all of the NIU English dept. types today. He's good people.

My Second Post Of The Evening

Now, for those who are counting, here is a new topic. Food.

Chris has announced the death of Gastroblog. Too bad. I will not take it over, though. It's hard enought to post to one blog. As a shout out to the Gblog, I would like to tell you what I just ate for a late dinner:

Refried beans, covered with a nice mix of south-of-the-border style cheeses, J-peppers and my fovorite hot sauce, Tapatio. Of course, with the nice, crunchy tortilla chips that I love so much. The beans were canned. So what?

Yes, the wife is out of town. Meals are really just glorified snacking sessions. The cat has gone into full throttle begging mode. Without the Steener around, it's just a guy and a mean cat.

My Strange Way Of Life

Mr. Prairie Dawg, you've tried yourself to get in good with the guy upstairs - and I don't mean Mr. Furley. It's pretty difficult to strive for an ideal when all around you is the message that you're efforts are silly and out of touch with reality. I'm not comfortable yet blogging to my friends about that sort of thing. I'll leave that to those with a more skillfull onetrickpen.

Bring it on!

Somebody thinks he's a real Mr. Smarty Pants! Well, I plan to post every single day! At least once, even if I don't have anything to say. Just like a real blog, dammit!

I am just starting to freak out about how I can't imagine life now without having access to a computer network. I take that back: I can imagine it. It's appealing, yet I don't think that I could do it. I mean, I could DO it, but I would have a very difficult time relating to people without being part of it. I'd be an outsider with strange ideas and a strange way of life. There should be more of that, though.