Ask The Old Dog

Buried in Bourbonnais asks:

Dear Old Dog,

My roommates refuse to take out the trash. No matter how much I beg, they always wait until the garbage is overflowing and the kitchen counter is overrun with empty beer bottles before they take it out. What can I do to make them listen to me?

Signed,

Buried in Bourbonnais

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Well, Buried in Bourbonnais, in my experience, it's best to handle problems with roommates decisively, and with an open mind. By that, I mean take action and keep your mind open to being creative about things that you can do to change their behavior.

In your case, I'd start by saying to your roommate, "Dude. It is really uncool that you don't take out the garbage until it's falling on the floor and making this place smell like a bunch of filthy hippies are living here." If that doesn't work, then dump the garbage onto his bed. If he still hasn't changed his ways, then plant some gay porn in his room for his girlfriend to find. If he's gay, then plant a copy of the 2005 ESPN College Football Encylopedia for his boyfriend to find.

Chances are, you are one of those inbred Jerry Srpinger types who pronounces Bourbonnais as, "Bubone-us". If you are, then I won't expect you to be very clever. You should then just confront him when you are drunk and try to sleep with his girlfriend, who happens to be your sister.

Good luck, and rember to keep an open mind.